The Courage to Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change your Life and Achieve Real Happiness

What is the Courage to be Disliked?

“The Courage to Be Disliked” is a popular self-help book written by Japanese authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. The book is based on the teachings of Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychiatrist and psychologist who founded Adlerian psychology. It was first published in Japanese in 2013 and has since gained international acclaim for its unique approach to personal growth and self-improvement.

Background to the Book

The book is structured as a dialogue between a philosopher (represented by the authors) and a young man who seeks guidance on various aspects of life, including happiness, relationships, and personal development. The philosopher introduces the young man to the principles of Adlerian psychology, a psychotherapeutic approach that focuses on individual psychology and the role of social connections in shaping one’s life.

The authors, Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga, both have backgrounds in philosophy and psychology, and they collaborated to bring Adler’s teachings to a wider audience through this accessible and engaging book. They drew inspiration from Adler’s works and sought to distill his ideas into a format that could resonate with a modern readership.

The Author’s Journey in Writing the Book

While the book is written in a conversational style, it draws heavily from the teachings of Alfred Adler and Adlerian psychology. The authors embarked on a journey to explore and understand Adler’s theories, which include concepts like personal responsibility, the importance of social connections, and the role of choice in shaping one’s life.

The book reflects the authors’ deep engagement with Adler’s ideas and their commitment to presenting them in a practical and relatable manner. Their journey involved studying Adler’s works, attending seminars, and conducting research to distill the core principles of Adlerian psychology. They then crafted a narrative that uses a philosophical dialogue between the philosopher and the young man to convey these principles in a way that readers can apply to their own lives.

Key Takeaways

1. You can’t control others: The book emphasizes that you cannot control how others perceive you or whether they like you. What you can control is your own behavior and attitude.
2. Separation of tasks: It introduces the concept of “separation of tasks,” suggesting that you should focus on what you can do and not try to take on the tasks of others, such as trying to make everyone like you.
3. Courage to be yourself: To find happiness, you must have the courage to be true to yourself and pursue your own goals and values, even if it means facing criticism or disapproval from others.
4. Aim for self-acceptance: The book encourages self-acceptance and self-compassion. It suggests that you should not seek validation from external sources but rather find fulfillment from within.
5. Overcoming social interest: Social interest refers to the idea that you should prioritize the well-being of society over seeking personal gain or approval. The book explores how this concept can lead to a more meaningful life.
6. Freedom and responsibility: It discusses the importance of taking responsibility for your choices and actions, as this leads to a sense of freedom and empowerment.
7. Time orientation: The book distinguishes between people with a past-oriented mindset, who dwell on past traumas, and those with a future-oriented mindset, who focus on personal growth and change.
8. Striving for superiority: Adler’s concept of “striving for superiority” is explored, highlighting the human drive to overcome feelings of inferiority and achieve personal excellence.

Learnings from the Book

1. Happiness Is a Choice:

• Key Concept: The book asserts that happiness is not determined by external circumstances but is a matter of personal choice and responsibility.
• Example: Consider someone who has faced setbacks in their career. Instead of dwelling on these setbacks, they choose to focus on their strengths and find purpose in their work. This choice to be happy despite external challenges illustrates the concept that happiness is a matter of perspective and choice.

2. Personal Responsibility:

• Key Concept: Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of personal responsibility in achieving happiness and personal growth. Individuals are encouraged to take ownership of their choices and actions.
• Example: Imagine a person in a difficult family situation. Instead of blaming their circumstances, they choose to set boundaries and respond positively to family conflicts. This reflects the concept of personal responsibility in shaping one’s life.

3. The Power to Change:

• Key Concept: The book highlights the belief that change is attainable at any stage of life and is a matter of choice. It challenges the notion that individuals are fixed in their behaviors and attitudes.
• Example: Consider someone who decides to overcome their fear of public speaking. Despite years of anxiety, they choose to attend public speaking classes and gradually improve their skills. This exemplifies the concept that personal change is possible through conscious choice and effort.

4. Living in the Present Moment:

• Key Concept: Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of living in the present moment and making choices that promote happiness now, rather than dwelling on the past or future.
• Example: Think of a person who has faced multiple adversities in life. Instead of fixating on past traumas or worrying about an uncertain future, they choose to appreciate the beauty of the present moment, finding happiness in the simple pleasures of life.

5. Personal Freedom and Independence:

• Key Concept: The book challenges the need for external validation or approval to feel free and confident. It encourages individuals to recognize their intrinsic worth and make choices independently of others’ opinions.
• Example: Imagine someone who decides to pursue a creative passion, such as painting, even if their friends or family do not understand or support their choice. Their commitment to personal freedom and independence reflects the concept that individuals can make choices aligned with their values, regardless of external expectations.

6. Self-Acceptance:

• Key Concept: Adlerian psychology emphasizes the importance of self-acceptance, emphasizing that individuals should love and accept themselves as they are, rather than seeking constant validation or approval from others.
• Example: Think of a person who has struggled with self-doubt and insecurity. Instead of seeking external validation, they choose to practice self-acceptance, embracing their strengths and flaws. Their journey toward self-acceptance illustrates the concept that love and acceptance start with self-love.

7. Personal Completeness:

• Key Concept: The book challenges the belief that individuals need external factors or relationships to feel whole and fulfilled. It advocates for self-fulfillment and the recognition that individuals can feel complete on their own.
• Example: Consider someone who chooses to explore their passions and interests, finding fulfillment in personal hobbies and pursuits. Their commitment to personal completeness illustrates the concept that individuals can feel whole independently of external factors.

8. Self-Approval:

• Key Concept: Adlerian psychology emphasizes that individuals can choose to approve of themselves and their choices, regardless of external opinions.
• Example: Think of a person who decides to appreciate their achievements and efforts without constantly seeking praise or validation from others. Their practice of self-approval illustrates the concept that happiness comes from within and can be self-generated.

9. Embracing Imperfection:

• Key Concept: Adlerian psychology encourages individuals to accept their imperfections and mistakes as part of their growth journey, rather than fearing them.
• Example: Imagine someone who is afraid of failure in their entrepreneurial endeavors but chooses to take calculated risks and learn from their mistakes. Their acceptance of imperfection reflects the theory that growth comes from embracing one’s humanity.

10. Finding Contentment in the Ordinary:

• Key Concept: The book challenges the pursuit of constant validation and extraordinary achievements, advocating for contentment in everyday life.
• Example: Consider someone who finds joy in the simplicity of daily routines, such as cooking meals or spending time with family. Their ability to find contentment in the ordinary moments aligns with the theory that happiness can be found in everyday experiences.

In conclusion, “The Courage to Be Disliked” offers valuable lessons rooted in Adlerian psychology that empower individuals to take control of their lives, make positive choices, and find happiness and fulfillment. These key concepts, supported by practical examples, illustrate the book’s central message: that individuals have the power to shape their own destinies and choose happiness through conscious decisions and actions.

Additional Reading

If you enjoyed reading “The Courage to Be Disliked” and are interested in similar books that explore personal growth, psychology, and self-improvement, here is a list of recommendations:

1. “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl: This classic book delves into the author’s experiences as a Holocaust survivor and his development of logotherapy, a psychotherapeutic approach that emphasizes finding meaning in life.
2. “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment” by Eckhart Tolle: Tolle explores the concept of living in the present moment and offers practical guidance on achieving inner peace and enlightenment.
3. “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown: Brené Brown discusses the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in building meaningful connections and fostering personal growth.
4. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life” by Mark Manson: Manson challenges conventional self-help advice by advocating for a more realistic and grounded approach to finding happiness and fulfillment.
5. “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck: Dweck explores the concept of fixed and growth mindsets and how one’s mindset can significantly impact personal and professional success.
6. “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Angela Duckworth: Duckworth explores the importance of grit, which she defines as a combination of passion and perseverance, in achieving long-term goals and success.
7. “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brené Brown: Brown offers insights into embracing imperfection, cultivating self-compassion, and living a wholehearted life.
8. “Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Csikszentmihalyi discusses the concept of flow, a state of optimal experience where individuals are fully engaged and find deep satisfaction in their activities.
9. “Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical, and Financial Destiny!” by Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins shares strategies for taking control of one’s life, mastering emotions, and achieving personal goals.
10. “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by Don Miguel Ruiz: This book presents four agreements—be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best—as a path to personal freedom and happiness.
11. “Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones” by James Clear: Clear explores the science of habit formation and offers practical strategies for building positive habits and breaking negative ones.
12. “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” by Daniel Goleman: Goleman examines the importance of emotional intelligence in personal and professional success and offers insights into developing this crucial skill.

These books cover a range of topics related to personal development, self-improvement, and psychology, providing valuable insights and practical advice for readers interested in enhancing their lives and well-being.

Additional Reading

1. “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor E. Frankl: This classic book delves into the author’s experiences as a Holocaust survivor and his development of logotherapy, a psychotherapeutic approach that emphasizes finding meaning in life.
2. “The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment” by Eckhart Tolle: Tolle explores the concept of living in the present moment and offers practical guidance on achieving inner peace and enlightenment.
3. “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown: Brené Brown discusses the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in building meaningful connections and fostering personal growth.
4. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life” by Mark Manson: Manson challenges conventional self-help advice by advocating for a more realistic and grounded approach to finding happiness and fulfillment.
5. “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol S. Dweck: Dweck explores the concept of fixed and growth mindsets and how one’s mindset can significantly impact personal and professional success.
6. “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Angela Duckworth: Duckworth explores the importance of grit, which she defines as a combination of passion and perseverance, in achieving long-term goals and success.
7. “The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are” by Brené Brown: Brown offers insights into embracing imperfection, cultivating self-compassion, and living a wholehearted life.
8. “Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience” by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi: Csikszentmihalyi discusses the concept of flow, a state of optimal experience where individuals are fully engaged and find deep satisfaction in their activities.
9. “Awaken the Giant Within: How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical, and Financial Destiny!” by Tony Robbins: Tony Robbins shares strategies for taking control of one’s life, mastering emotions, and achieving personal goals.
10. “The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by Don Miguel Ruiz: This book presents four agreements—be impeccable with your word, don’t take anything personally, don’t make assumptions, and always do your best—as a path to personal freedom and happiness.
11. “Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones” by James Clear: Clear explores the science of habit formation and offers practical strategies for building positive habits and breaking negative ones.
12. “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ” by Daniel Goleman: Goleman examines the importance of emotional intelligence in personal and professional success and offers insights into developing this crucial skill.